The first memorial service

Wednesday 6th November 2013

This day we were invited to a memorial service held annually by our funeral directors, for families to come together in honour of their loved ones who have passed.

I decided to go on my own, although I asked my dear husband and mam if they would like to attend, I knew that this was something I wanted to do alone. It would be a big step for me, but I wanted this time alone to reflect.

Arriving at the beautiful church I was greeted by K.R, the kind man who arranged Harry's funeral, with a big hug and smile. He asked how I was doing....a question I can now only answer with "I'm ok"....he knew I was not. I was ushered to a seat near the front of the church, as I walked in I could feel the tears creeping up, that familiar sensation shaking through my whole body where my arms start to tingle and I don't feel a part of my own body anymore. I sat down and tried to fight the tears back, I didn't want to upset others around me.

The service began with a welcome from the reverend and a request to stand for the first hymn. "Make me a channel of your peace". As I've explained previously, I am not particularly religious, but I did attend church with my mam as a child and this song reminds me so much of being a young girl and standing with my mother, attempting to sing lyrics I didn't quite know or understand. At that moment I could no longer hold back the tears, I sobbed quietly.

Words of sympathy, love and hope were spoken by another gent. His closing line... "As John Lennon said, All You Need Is Love" a phrase from one of my favourite songs that was also played at our wedding. I actually have an ornamental block with this phrase written on at home. I held on to my locket with Harry's photo in and suddenly knew he was here with me. I can't explain it....I often get these moments, a rush of love and comfort. I embraced this moment.

The service continued, a young girl sang "Make You Feel My Love" by Adele, a priest offered his condolences and a reading from the bible. The reading of the names....There was such a long list, it was so sad to hear of all these people who had passed, people who were loved and missed terribly, I could see members of the congregation crying for their personal losses. We were, row by row, asked to approach the front to light a candle in memory of our loved ones, as I approached I could see K.R. lighting the tealights silently. I walked towards him and he smiled, "this is a special candle just for Harry". It makes me so proud that Harry touched so many lives.

Returning to my seat, I waited in anticipation for Harry's name to be announced...."Baby Harry James Brittan". There were 3 other angel babies remembered.....I wish I had known who the mother's were in the crowd of people, I just wanted to hug them and tell them I felt there pain, I know what you are going through, you are not alone.

Following this, a group of young children from a local school gathered to sing for us. I couldn't help but smile as there innocent voices filled the church, I thought this part would upset me deeply, seeing what could have been for Harry but it was so humbling to watch as they smiled nervously, all the while singing their little hearts out. They sang three songs in total, but one really rang true for me. A song I've never heard of before, but later informed it is actually a song from The Muppets sang by Kermit the Frog! The lyrics filled me with hope...."Someday you'll find it, the rainbow connection". Harry is telling me not to give up hope, we will go on to have our rainbow baby and he will give us his blessing. The song still rings around my head....

Closing the service, we had a moment of reflection and the owners of P.J.F spoke lovely words to help us through our grief. We slowly began to leave the church....I saw K.R as I left and we hugged again, he wished me all the best for our future and hoped to hear from us with happier news in the near future.

As I left I felt a wave of relief. I was proud of myself for holding it together, I was happy I had honoured my baby by being there.

A sign from Harry....?

Following the funeral and the wedding, as you can imagine we were well and truly drained. It seemed logical to go away for a few days to rest and recuperate and get our heads around what had happened and where we go from here. I had a huge issue with "what now?" The wedding was over and now I should be looking forward to Christmas and New Year, preparing the nursery and the arrival of our first baby on February 6th. I even asked my husband "what do we have to look forward to now?" to which he replied "our future" which I knew was right, but the overbearing feeling of emptiness was slowly engulfing me. I would find myself often stroking my tummy before realising that is in fact what it was now, empty. I'd forget when people offered me a glass of wine that I actually was alright to drink this now, although this in it's own self was a struggle as I felt so guilty, I shouldn't be drinking this, I should still be pregnant. In a fleeting moment when my hubby would ask me to do something where many times before I'd used the excuse to my advantage "I can't, I'm pregnant" I'd almost say those words, before sadly realising this was no longer the case.

I didn't know where I wanted to be. On one hand I wanted to be at home, this is my safe place, on the other hand I wanted to run away. We searched the internet for last minute get away's but there was no where I felt like going, in the travel agents we sat with the kind young girl looking at different locations and different hotels. What did we want out of this holiday? For my husband...sun, beer, a change of location. For me....an escape. After a while of looking, I settled for a hotel in Palma Nova, Majorca, more so because I couldn't be bothered to look anymore. It was away, far enough to get away from everything but still close enough to home so if I was struggling there would be a flight back. We packed our bags and less than 48 hours later were on our way. I struggled again with guilt that we were leaving our little boy behind, his ashes had been presented to us the day prior so, along with his memory box, he went to stay at nana's house....I couldn't bare the thought of leaving him home alone. I also kept thinking "will Harry think we're just forgetting about him? How am I meant to relax or have enjoyment (if any...) from this holiday. He'll think we've forgotten about him"

Arriving at the hotel, the sun was shining, we quickly got changed and headed for the pool to relax. Within 5 minutes the hubby had struck up a conversation with a couple on the next table who as it turned out had arrived the day prior. We got chatting and, on spotting my husbands tattoo tribute to our son the gent announced his name was also Harry James! I was in disbelief.....of all the places we could have chosen to go on holiday, of all the people we could have spoken to we spoke to this man and wife. Some will say this is a great coincidence, but I am a great believer in signs and signals from loved ones who have passed on. I'll admit, my eyes welled up a little when his dear wife showed us a copy of his passport.....Harry James; born 29th May (or 29/05) and our son's DOB... 25th September; or 25/09. I instantly knew this was a sign from our baby boy letting us know that it was ok for us to be here and that he was there with us, to relax now.

We spent the remainder of the holiday spending time with this lovely couple and finding out more about them, more similarities came to light. We shared stories, including all about our journey through pregnancy and delivering Harry, and made happy memories from a holiday I thought I wouldn't be able to find any enjoyment out of. For this I am so grateful to them. Thank you B & H, I think without your company I may have struggled being away from home at such a difficult time, your kind words and humour helped immensely.

Returning home a week later was bittersweet, I was happy to be home...happy to bring Harry home to be in his final resting place with his mam and dad but so incredibly sad and bewildered that things would start to return to "normal" soon, what would I do now? No more organising for weddings, funeral past, holiday over. No due date to look forward to.

Some Thank You's.....

It's at this stage I would like to say some thank you's to the people we have shared our extremely difficult journey with. I won't use names as I know some will be uncomfortable with this, if your initials aren't shown you should know who you are......

To the Sonographers and staff at the Ante Natal Clinic at S.T. Hospital, we thank you for being gentle with us but honest and open also. We realise this is part of your job, a difficult part of your job, but you looked after us well.

To H.T. We can not thank you enough for being so kind at our initial diagnosis, extending your service to bring us our much needed scan pictures, supporting me when I had to start the process with "that" tablet, visiting me when I was in delivery even though we didn't actually get the opportunity to see you, we knew you had come and for attending our little boys funeral. You exceeded your role and are a wonderful midwife and person.

To A.H, S.M. and the staff at the Foetal Medicine Department at RVI Hospital, we thank you for your honesty in diagnosing Harry and the care you showed us and our son throughout. Our journey with you has not yet ended and we have no doubts in our minds that you will continue to support us through the next step and will be with us every step of the way when we have our rainbow baby on board.

To E.H and the midwives on the Delivery Suite at S.T. Hospital, thank you for the care you gave me and the kindness you showed my family. The day I delivered Harry would have been so much more traumatic if it wasn't for your help and guidance. Thank you for taking care of our baby and showing him the respect he deserved. You really are fantastic at your jobs and we hope to see you all in the not too distant future with happier news.

To K.R and the wonderful people at P.J.F. What can I say? Thank you all for easing the process of organising a wonderful day to honour our angel. Thank you for the care you showed him and for taking such good care of him. Thank you for everything. K.R, we can never show you how grateful we are to you, not only in the organising process and the funeral day, but the compassion you showed me at the memorial service also. You really are a special man.

To K.T. Your words of comfort and the compassion you showed towards us and Harry is so much appreciated. Thank you for being strong in leading the ceremony, we know you found it a bit more difficult than you normally would. We wouldn't have wanted anybody other to speak on our behalf about Harry.

To my very good friends and bridesmaids. My rocks. You know how much I always appreciate you, you're always by my side through good times and bad. I want you to know I am always here for you too. I love you all. Thank you.

To my parents, step parents, in laws. Harry's grandparents. We will move through this together, side by side. We will lean on each other in tough times and celebrate together in happier times. Harry is with you all and I know you will carry him in your hearts and minds. We will keep him alive through talking and remembering him. We love you.

To our families. Brothers, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Thank you for being behind us not only through this sad time, but for our wedding and throughout our lives. Let this bring us all even closer together. Love to you all now and always.

To all the ladies from TFMR on Babycentre. Together we travel through this sadness knowing nobody truly understands exactly what we have been through. You ladies are so strong, even when we think life is crumbling around us. Big hugs.

To S.G and A.G. Even though I've never met you girls in person, your messages through facebook have helped me. S.G. I wish you all the best wishes and health in the world with your ever-growing bump and little man. A.G....We will get there sweetie, I have high hopes for both our futures and expect rainbow babies in the future.

And finally, to our friends, colleagues, associates, friends of friends. To the strangers who we've encountered. To the people we see almost daily yet barely know. Readers. We thank you for your words of sympathy, kind words of hope and the compassion you have shown towards us and our special angel baby, Harry James. You've shown me that we do actually live in a world where we can offer love and support to not only the people around us, but to people we have not met. As John Lennon said...."All you need is love".

Thank you all and much love to you xxxx

Our wedding

Saturday 12th October 2013

The start of our next chapter.


Let me quickly explain. Me and my then fiancée had gotten engaged in June this year. I had only just found out I was pregnant with Harry 2 weeks prior and this was one of the happiest times of my life.

 

 

 



We had planned to get married in 2014/2015, money dependant (obviously we were expecting our new arrival in the new year too!) and we planned an engagement party for October.

 

In August we sadly found out my dad was more poorly than we had anticipated and quickly made the decision to bring the wedding date forward so he would be well enough to give me away. We had a venue booked already for the 12th of October for our engagement party so decided to go ahead with this date as we knew it suited everyone with it being relatively short notice.

 

8 weeks to plan a wedding! A wedding where I would be almost 24 weeks pregnant! I already had a wedding dress which I thought my ever swelling tummy would never fit in to and started looking at maternity wedding gowns. All of which made me look and feel frumpy. After some gentle persuasion, one of my bridesmaids managed to squeeze me in to my already picked dress and we settled that it would be fine. In hindsight a good thing as at this time I was unaware the events that would unfold over the following weeks.

 

When we found there was a problem with Harry my initial instinct was to cancel everything, there was no way I could continue planning my wedding day so close to losing my child let alone go through with it. But after some discussion we realised that firstly we had brought our wedding forward for a reason, secondly Harry would not have wanted us to cancel the day that we had planned to bring all three of us together as a family, we knew we would have his blessing and thirdly we felt we would need this day as a step into our future with Harry in our hearts and constant thoughts.

 

We knew the day would be hugely emotional and obviously didn't anticipate it being the day after our boys funeral, but here it was. Our wedding day.

 

It was a flurry of decorating, hairdressers, make up, organising people and making it to the town hall on time, I barely had time to think about the events of the day before. My almost hubby had bought me a beautiful locket, a tiny picture of Harry inside which I had with me all day. Harry was there. I just knew it.

 

The ceremony was lovely with all our friends and family right there with us. The reception was relaxed and fun, everyone had a fantastic day and night.

 

I was composed all day, no tears until it came to the time I had say our thank you's (the husband not having the stage presence I had in me) I tried my hardest to express how grateful we both were, knowing all these people who showed us such support and love through all of this. I tried to say how thankful Harry would be that his mammy and daddy had so many people in their lives to look after them when they needed it most and that he would be sending each and everyone of them blessings. I tried, but I couldn't. The words wouldn't come and the tears were brimming. I garbled something to the above, but know the words were mixed up, but hoped that everyone knew what I was trying to express.

 

Our first dance was emotional for me too. We spoke quietly about our baby and I let a few tears fall. Drops of Jupiter played out, a song I love from my favourite band, that I had chosen long before we were even aware when our wedding would be, unbeknown to me that the words would ring so much truer than we could ever imagine. The song was written in a time of healing after the lead artist, Pat Monahan, lost his mother. Commenting on the song he writes:

 

"Loss of the most important person in my life was heavy on my mind, and the thought of 'what if no one ever really leaves? What if she's here but different. The idea was, she's back here in the atmosphere."

The lyrics once again hit home for me. Strange how things turn out, it's almost like my mind had saw into the future and unwittingly chosen a song that would be truer than we would ever wish it to be.....

So that was our wedding day. I'll leave this post with one image from our day that expresses so much for me. Its of our first dance. It's of us supporting each other through our grief. It's us starting our married life together. Our next chapter was beginning with our angel by our side.

 

 

The funeral

Friday 11th October 2013

The day no parent should have to endure. Laying their child to rest.

The previous day the funeral directors finally brought Harry home for the first time. In his perfect white casket, a plaque with his name bold. This is not how it should have been. We spent that day with Harry, people visiting to pay their respects. I couldn't quite believe what was happening, yet I had this reminder in front of me, in our living room, That night me and Harry's daddy "camped out" in this room with our son. A family altogether finally in our home.

I honestly do not know how I managed to get up and ready that morning. My body felt drained. Getting ready meant I had to go to the funeral which meant the end of Harry's physical self. I went through the motions....shower, dry hair, do make up (was there any point?) dark clothes on. Before I knew it people were arriving ready for the funeral directors to collect us. I sat next to his casket, willing time to stand still, silent tears falling. When the car arrived this is when I broke, I didn't think I could do it. Panic set in, every inch of me tingled in fear.

I was helped to the car, my partner beside me and we were handed Harry. That slow drive to the crematorium felt like torture. People taking their children to school, looking curiously at the cars, some bowing their heads in respect, I couldn't look at them for long. Arriving at the crematorium, a select few close family and friends waited along with one of our midwives. We were shown into the room to the words of Harry's song to us, my partner carrying the casket and placing it on the pedestal with his big teddy shaped flowers, we sat and waited for everyone to take their seats. I couldn't look up. I couldn't look at that casket anymore. I thought in this moment my heart was broken forever.

The lady composed herself and started with her kind words. Can I remember what was said? No. All I know is her words were of comfort. She read a poem we had chosen for Harry.

"Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I’ve loved you from the start.

Although my body you can’t hold
It doesn’t mean I’m gone
This world was worthy, not of me
Angels chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.

 I’m watching over all you do,
Another child you’ll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you’ll understand.

Although I’ve never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn’t mean I never was,
An Angel never dies."

A moment of reflection. I couldn't think straight. This is just a dream. Quiet sobs behind me.

A poem from mammy and daddy.

"They say there is a reason, They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason, Will change the way I feel,
For no-one knows the heartache, That lies behind our smiles,
No-one knows how many times, We have broken down and cried,
We want to tell you something, So there won't be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of, But so hard to be without"

Dream a little dream played. People begin to leave and a curtain is pulled across, my baby boy behind.

People kept coming to us saying sorry and giving us hugs. My heart felt heavy as we left and travelled on to another meeting place for refreshments and chat.

I sat with my friends talking about Harry and the fact our wedding was the next day (I've not mentioned this yet, another post will follow) and awaited the arrival of the balloons we had ordered to release. I suddenly felt like some weight had been lifted from my shoulders, yet my heart felt like it had sunk.

Standing out the back of the pub, we released 19 blue balloons and 1 white.... 20 balloons, 1 for each full week Harry had lived inside of me. It was amazing watching those balloons float away, 1 getting stuck in a tree before wriggling it's way back out to carry on it's journey (Harry playing tricks I'm sure!) Off they went into the distance, getting smaller and smaller until the dots disappeared. Just like those balloons, I felt like a part of me was floating away...away to be with Harry wherever he may be.

 

Preparing to say goodbye

The 2 weeks between giving birth to Harry and the funeral felt like an eternity. We had to wait for the tests and post mortem to be completed before he was returned to our local hospital, how much I wish I could have been there with him through all these tests. If they'd allowed me I would have sat in that hospital day in and day out and held his teeny hand so he wasn't alone. In this time me and my partner visited Harry in the chapel of rest initially, along with his parents as they were abroad when I gave birth and wished to meet him. I was a little anxious the first time we went as 3 days had passed and I was unsure as to how he would look. I entered the room first so I could prepare myself and in case I broke down... but there he was, my sleeping angel all wrapped up snuggly in a tiny moses basket, how could I ever have been worried? I'm not going to lie, yes he had started to look different, but he was still so beautiful. I instantly scooped him up in my hands and sat cradling him and giving him mammy cuddles and kisses. I suddenly didn't feel so sad. Again this wave of love was overpowering. We all sat and had cuddles with our special little man, a few photos were taken and after a while I laid him back down and tucked him in tight.

I haven't mentioned this previously and think it is important to say. Obviously we knew the diagnosis was Osteogenesis Imperfecta and that this had affected his arms, legs and ribs. When we saw Harry these were often covered up, I think to protect us from seeing these "imperfections". I'm so glad I actually did look....it helped to confirm in my mind that we had done the right thing. Those tiny little legs looked so frail and his arms and chest were quite obviously effected too, but like I said it was confirmation for me and despite this, he was still perfect in my mind.

The second time we visited Harry he had been returned to our hospital. This meant we could go ahead with the funeral preparations. Again the midwives were so thoughtful and saw us to a private room where he was waiting for us. It had been 10 days now since he was born and I was prepared that his appearance would have deteriorated significantly by now. It's amazing how much he had changed yet still looked so peaceful and those little cheeks still so soft. I knew this would be the last time I would have Harry in my arms in his physical form and made every second count. I ever so delicately dressed him back into his original cardigan and wooly hat and cradled him there rocking him gently just like any new mother does. The midwives sat with us for some time chatting about Harry and I felt so proud right then that he was apart of our lives....not how we had wanted and how much we wished it was different...but here he was, a product of our love, he may not be here in person but will forever be in our hearts and with us in spirit. Again I gently tucked him in and gave him that last kiss on his cool cheek. Sleep tight now my little boy, it's time to rest your body.

Contacting the funeral directors was actually easier than I expected it to be. Everyone was so kind and preparations were made smoothly. This is when we met KR who would be helping us through these preparations, this man is quite honestly one of the nicest and most special people I have ever met, his compassion was sincere and he helped us so much. We also met with the lady who would conduct the service.....a humanist ceremony as neither of us is particularly religious, who couldn't help welling up as we went through the poems we had chosen. The hardest part of this process for me was picking the music. I have a passion for music and didn't want something that everyone else would automatically choose, this was my dedication to my son, how could I find something so perfect? Something that every lyric was meant from my heart? Why was I having to choose music for my son's funeral??! That last question whirled around my head. It's so unfair.

I knew instantly that one of the songs I would choose was "Dream a little dream", the Beautiful South version. This was the song I had imagined myself singing to my son at bed time so many times before, it was only natural for me to want this as we finally lay him to rest and sleep eternally. Every word in that song hits home for me, although the lyrics had a totally different meaning to me now. Please listen....listen to those lyrics and imagine being in my position, these words are to my son.

The second song proved more difficult. I wanted something to reflect what Harry would be saying to us, his parents, family and loved ones. Something stating he is always with us. Hours of searching on the internet listening to countless songs, racking my brain to no avail, nothing seemed to fit...it suddenly dawned on me, an obvious choice now I look back. Here it is, Harry's words to us.

Empty arms.

Waking up the next morning in the hospital with Harry by my side I felt numb. Although we were told we could stay as long as we wanted, I knew there would be a point where we had to leave. How could I do this? Walk out of the hospital without my baby? He had been with me for 21 weeks, 24/7, and now I had to let someone else take care of him.

We stayed a while. I cried. I held onto my baby and never wanted to let go.

I'm not sure how long I stayed there, I'm not sure what time I left the hospital in all honesty. I was given a memory box filled with a piece of card with tiny (although big for his size!) footprints on, a teddy the same size as Harry, a glass angel, a poem....I was so appreciative that I was given this but at the same time felt so sad that I was leaving this hospital with a box instead of my baby.

Those last few minutes with Harry broke my heart. With the help of my mam and OH I handed my bundle of joy over to the midwife and walked out. That's exactly how it felt. Like I was walking out on my baby. The guilt was unbearable.

Back at my dads I sat not knowing what to do. I knew Harry was being sent for genetics tests that day and felt I needed to phone the hospital he was visiting to make sure he arrived ok (and was "settled in") It's so difficult to not have these motherly instincts, he's still my child.

"I miss him terribly already.... Xx"  

I had so much support all around me. Everyone rallied around. My family were there when I needed them and gave me space when that's what I felt like having. My close friends sat a listened and offered words of support and hope for the future. People I knew from work, dancing, school, friends of friends sent messages of sympathy.

I found comfort in the kind words of the pregnant ladies I had begun to know on B&B, but I needed to speak with someone, anyone, who had been through this experience too.

"I've found a site with women who have been through the same awful experience. 1 week on and the tears are starting to dry a little, but my whole body aches for the want of Harry back safe in my tummy and healthy. I want to scream. The next few months when I should be pregnant and joining you lovely ladies are going to be so difficult....but I will still be keeping an eye out and I'm sure Harry sends you all floaty kisses for thinking of him xx "

I began messaging a lovely girl who had been through the same journey not long before me and this helped a lot in those early days. I also sought comfort in a forum (Termination For Medical Reasons) on Baby Centre. To all these ladies I will be forever grateful for their advice and support.

I cannot remember what happened the rest of this week apart from phone calls to hospitals to see the progress of testing and a visit from a midwife. The rest of it is just a void.

I am a mother with no baby in her arms. I am grieving, my whole body aches with sadness. My heart is full of love for Harry. This is where he'll always stay now. In my heart.