Thursday 2 January 2014

Talking therapy, results and a rainbow

Wednesday 21st November 2013

As I wandered around the shops in town I was feeling subdued....I had been to counselling that morning, the second session of six in total, and my mind was on Harry (nothing new there....) A busker began singing one of Harry's funeral songs and I could feel the tears begin to brim. We were still waiting for the results of Harry's post mortem and our own genetic testing and it felt like a life time of anxiety and doubt. I was having nightmares that I was told there was no problem with Harry and if I'd gone to full term he would have been perfectly fine. These dreams crush me. I knew of course this was not the case, you could see the problems that he so unfairly had.

I headed home and just as I was pulling into my street a huge rainbow filled the sky. Harry sending a smile down to his mammy.

I opened the front door and I saw the letter, post marked from the RVI hospital. My heart stopped for a moment, I was terrified to open it. Reading those words a huge wave of relief and grief overcome me and I broke down.

"The genetic tests have identified an abnormality on a gene called COL1A1 and this abnormality is consistent with a diagnosis of type 2 (severe) osteogenesis imperfecta. I think it is likely that this abnormality occurred for the first time in your baby's development and it is unlikely that it has been inherited from one of you."

Some closure at last. We still needed to attend the genetics clinic for completeness where blood samples were taken from us both to confirm we weren't carriers of the gene. We waited 3 long weeks before we had our final results......no abnormality found. Dr AH went onto explain this suggests it happened within Harry's own development and the chance of recurrence in future pregnancies is small. A bitter sweet sentiment. Of course this came as a relief, but it doesn't take away the gut wrenching feeling that it has already happened to Harry. Future pregnancies are going to be hugely difficult, constant doubt and worry that something bad will happen, but we have been assured I will be well looked after with more detailed and frequent scans and genetics testing early in the pregnancy. 

Counselling has been a god send for me through all of this. It's the one place I can sit and talk about everything openly, no judgement, no hiding my feelings....just open, honest discussion. I was a little sceptical at first, I've never had counselling before and had images of lying on a sofa being asked a million questions, of which I probably wouldn't know the answers to. But sitting with my counsellor, I spend an hour a week releasing all my thoughts and it's difficult, but such a relief. She interjects advice but mostly allows me to just talk, a lot of the time everything comes out in a jumble and after a session I am exhausted! I have 2 sessions left, and not sure if I will continue to have more following this. 

My next challenge is facing Christmas and the new year.

  

No comments:

Post a Comment