Capture your grief 2014. Day 1; Sunrise

I watched this project last year, but it was all still too raw for me to participate. I promised I would take part this year, one year on, when I'm in the position to truly reflect on what has happened, how it has sculpted me as a person and in memory of Harry.

I live in a beautiful place, people take it for granted, myself included. I've lived here for the whole of my almost 28 years of life and this is the first time I've visited the beach at this hour or just sat to watch the sun rise. It was quite mesmerising and so peaceful. I felt so connected to Harry.

When I got back in the car to drive away "Wind beneath my wings" played on the radio and the DJ remarked how beautiful the sun rise had been today.

So here it is, day 1 of what I know will be an emotional yet fulfilling project. Sun Rise at South Shields Beach, 6:50am, Wednesday 1st October 2014.

Happy 1st Birthday Harry James

HAPPY BIRTHDAY my beautiful baby boy. How much I wish you could be here to celebrate this day with me. I'm spending the day with my family and friends, they all send you their love and best wishes on this special day, you#re a lucky little boy that so many people think of you with such love. The house is filled with cards and balloons and flowers just for you, watch out for the ones we will send up to you tonight! I can't believe a year has gone by, where does time go? I hope you are celebrating with your grandad and angel friends. Today I am not filled with sadness as I expected to be. I am filled with pride that I had you and over whelming love as always.

Blow out your candles, and make a wish.

All my love always

Your Mammy

xxxxxxx

One year on.....

It has been 9 months since I last logged on to update the blog. Life took a sudden turn and I felt I needed to step away. I don't want to go into detail. The events are way behind me now. Purely for the purposes of peoples understanding I will say that myself and Harry's dad decided to no longer continue our relationship and move on with our lives in separate directions. This being said, one year on I am in a much happier place as I will go on to explain.

As you can imagine Christmas last year was difficult. Beyond difficult. Not only was this the first Christmas I had to endure without my baby, but I was also dealing with the relationship breaking down and my dad's ill health. I did not feel like celebrating at all, in fact if it wasn't for my friends and family's persistence I would have wrote it off altogether. I didn't want the tree up, I didn't want to watch Christmas films, all I wanted was to curl up and disappear. 

I ordered a beautiful glass bauble for Harry to hang up. I placed it pride of place on the tree that eventually was erected.......only for the whole thing to fall over, smashing my prized bauble in the midst. As you can imagine, I was distraught. I suddenly felt so overwhelmed with everything, and the tree took the brunt of it. After a while of kicking and screaming I sat there sobbing with my broken parts of the once perfect ornament. And that's exactly how I felt, Broken. I was very lucky the lady who made it for me immediately got to work on another. I was so grateful too her. And yes,, the tree did eventually go up and stayed up!

Christmas came and went in a blur, as did New Year. Looking back now I don't remember much of it. I don't remember happiness. I don't remember sadness. I don't particularly want to remember it. 

In January I threw myself into getting fit, at the time it felt like this was the only thing I could control.... I ate well and trained hard and was eventually beginning to feel ok again. I had a sense of achievement, set goals for myself and all the exercise was helping my mental health no end. Life was starting to get back on track again....it felt like a fresh start.

I was back to working full time, my dance school was going from strength to strength. I felt human again.

As the months progressed, it  pained me to see my dad falling deeper into his illness. We knew it was only a matter of time and it fills me with deep sadness to report that on 10th August 2014 my daddy, Malcolm James Beaton. passed away with his family beside him. He was a strong man and fought so long, it was also a small grain of relief to know he was no longer suffering. I know he is up there with his grandson, caring for him and being the brilliant grandad I always knew he'd be. I dedicate this post to him. Rest now daddy, give Harry a big kiss and cuddle from his mammy.....always be with me.

 

Talking therapy, results and a rainbow

Wednesday 21st November 2013

As I wandered around the shops in town I was feeling subdued....I had been to counselling that morning, the second session of six in total, and my mind was on Harry (nothing new there....) A busker began singing one of Harry's funeral songs and I could feel the tears begin to brim. We were still waiting for the results of Harry's post mortem and our own genetic testing and it felt like a life time of anxiety and doubt. I was having nightmares that I was told there was no problem with Harry and if I'd gone to full term he would have been perfectly fine. These dreams crush me. I knew of course this was not the case, you could see the problems that he so unfairly had.

I headed home and just as I was pulling into my street a huge rainbow filled the sky. Harry sending a smile down to his mammy.

I opened the front door and I saw the letter, post marked from the RVI hospital. My heart stopped for a moment, I was terrified to open it. Reading those words a huge wave of relief and grief overcome me and I broke down.

"The genetic tests have identified an abnormality on a gene called COL1A1 and this abnormality is consistent with a diagnosis of type 2 (severe) osteogenesis imperfecta. I think it is likely that this abnormality occurred for the first time in your baby's development and it is unlikely that it has been inherited from one of you."

Some closure at last. We still needed to attend the genetics clinic for completeness where blood samples were taken from us both to confirm we weren't carriers of the gene. We waited 3 long weeks before we had our final results......no abnormality found. Dr AH went onto explain this suggests it happened within Harry's own development and the chance of recurrence in future pregnancies is small. A bitter sweet sentiment. Of course this came as a relief, but it doesn't take away the gut wrenching feeling that it has already happened to Harry. Future pregnancies are going to be hugely difficult, constant doubt and worry that something bad will happen, but we have been assured I will be well looked after with more detailed and frequent scans and genetics testing early in the pregnancy. 

Counselling has been a god send for me through all of this. It's the one place I can sit and talk about everything openly, no judgement, no hiding my feelings....just open, honest discussion. I was a little sceptical at first, I've never had counselling before and had images of lying on a sofa being asked a million questions, of which I probably wouldn't know the answers to. But sitting with my counsellor, I spend an hour a week releasing all my thoughts and it's difficult, but such a relief. She interjects advice but mostly allows me to just talk, a lot of the time everything comes out in a jumble and after a session I am exhausted! I have 2 sessions left, and not sure if I will continue to have more following this. 

My next challenge is facing Christmas and the new year.