We returned to the RVI this day to meet with the geneticist for one final opinion. Although we knew in our hearts already what we needed to do, I still clung on to every ounce of hope I could muster up that there had been a mistake. Here was my post on B&B:
"Please do not read if you feel incapable of reading our outcome....I know it will upset some of you.
I write this with great sadness. After speaking with many drs, midwives and specialists our baby boy Harry has been given an awful diagnosis. He would either not survive full term, labour or for very long at all after birth and the short time he would have would be spent in some degree if pain.
We have had to make the unbearable decision to end the pregnancy in order to save his suffering. It is without a doubt the most heart wrenching and saddest things I ever could imagine having to go through. We are all devastated but do this out of pure love and devotion to save our son from pain.
We are in very good care with a dedicated team and support from family and friends through this excruciatingly difficult time.
We thank you all for being there for us and sending wishes and prayers. I wish you all luck and happy, healthy pregnancies and babies. I hope to be back here with happier posts in the future.
Love to you all. Xx "
We were sent straight to our local hospital where I would be giving birth to my sleeping baby, where we met our midwife (I don't know what I would have done without this woman in those few days) and the original consultant. I was given information with regards to the procedure.... a medical termination (how I HATE that word) but to be honest, they could have been telling me anything. Nothing was sinking in. I signed some forms and at that point literally felt like I was signing my child's and my own life away. What I do remember is sitting in that little room with my mam and partner and them bringing in that tablet. This is when I broke down. More so than I had before. How could I do this? Take this little tablet that would inevitably be the start of the end for my much wanted little baby boy?
For someone who has always been against terminations, my eyes had been opened to the heartache and reality that this is a choice (was it a choice? I feel I had no choice....how could I let my son suffer?) that some unfortunate parents will have to face. It is the most selfless thing I could do, I'm taking on the pain of losing my child, my first and only child, so that he didn't have to suffer.
It felt like a lifetime before I managed to take that little pill and as soon as I swallowed it I wanted to reach and throw it back up. But that was it.....home we went to wait out the 2 days before I had to go back to be induced.
I can't remember anything about those 2 days, apart from this....I wanted one last photo of my bump. The bump that was my son's first home. The bump I showed off with pride. The bump that the day after would be empty.
No comments:
Post a Comment