A sign from Harry....?

Following the funeral and the wedding, as you can imagine we were well and truly drained. It seemed logical to go away for a few days to rest and recuperate and get our heads around what had happened and where we go from here. I had a huge issue with "what now?" The wedding was over and now I should be looking forward to Christmas and New Year, preparing the nursery and the arrival of our first baby on February 6th. I even asked my husband "what do we have to look forward to now?" to which he replied "our future" which I knew was right, but the overbearing feeling of emptiness was slowly engulfing me. I would find myself often stroking my tummy before realising that is in fact what it was now, empty. I'd forget when people offered me a glass of wine that I actually was alright to drink this now, although this in it's own self was a struggle as I felt so guilty, I shouldn't be drinking this, I should still be pregnant. In a fleeting moment when my hubby would ask me to do something where many times before I'd used the excuse to my advantage "I can't, I'm pregnant" I'd almost say those words, before sadly realising this was no longer the case.

I didn't know where I wanted to be. On one hand I wanted to be at home, this is my safe place, on the other hand I wanted to run away. We searched the internet for last minute get away's but there was no where I felt like going, in the travel agents we sat with the kind young girl looking at different locations and different hotels. What did we want out of this holiday? For my husband...sun, beer, a change of location. For me....an escape. After a while of looking, I settled for a hotel in Palma Nova, Majorca, more so because I couldn't be bothered to look anymore. It was away, far enough to get away from everything but still close enough to home so if I was struggling there would be a flight back. We packed our bags and less than 48 hours later were on our way. I struggled again with guilt that we were leaving our little boy behind, his ashes had been presented to us the day prior so, along with his memory box, he went to stay at nana's house....I couldn't bare the thought of leaving him home alone. I also kept thinking "will Harry think we're just forgetting about him? How am I meant to relax or have enjoyment (if any...) from this holiday. He'll think we've forgotten about him"

Arriving at the hotel, the sun was shining, we quickly got changed and headed for the pool to relax. Within 5 minutes the hubby had struck up a conversation with a couple on the next table who as it turned out had arrived the day prior. We got chatting and, on spotting my husbands tattoo tribute to our son the gent announced his name was also Harry James! I was in disbelief.....of all the places we could have chosen to go on holiday, of all the people we could have spoken to we spoke to this man and wife. Some will say this is a great coincidence, but I am a great believer in signs and signals from loved ones who have passed on. I'll admit, my eyes welled up a little when his dear wife showed us a copy of his passport.....Harry James; born 29th May (or 29/05) and our son's DOB... 25th September; or 25/09. I instantly knew this was a sign from our baby boy letting us know that it was ok for us to be here and that he was there with us, to relax now.

We spent the remainder of the holiday spending time with this lovely couple and finding out more about them, more similarities came to light. We shared stories, including all about our journey through pregnancy and delivering Harry, and made happy memories from a holiday I thought I wouldn't be able to find any enjoyment out of. For this I am so grateful to them. Thank you B & H, I think without your company I may have struggled being away from home at such a difficult time, your kind words and humour helped immensely.

Returning home a week later was bittersweet, I was happy to be home...happy to bring Harry home to be in his final resting place with his mam and dad but so incredibly sad and bewildered that things would start to return to "normal" soon, what would I do now? No more organising for weddings, funeral past, holiday over. No due date to look forward to.