A phased return.

Returning to work was never going to be easy. I took 6 weeks off in total from finding out Harry had problems at the 20 week scan. I am so appreciative that I was allowed this time off, yet so annoyed that I was not entitled to maternity leave. If I had given birth just 3 weeks later I would have been entitled to the full 12 months (although I probably wouldn't have taken all this time!), why was 3 weeks earlier any different? I still had to spend time in hospital. I still went through labour and delivery and the physical and emotional aspects following this. I am well aware this time is for new mothers to settle into motherhood and look after their little bundles of joy, but I am a new mother as well, a grieving one....I need time too. There is no time limit on grief.

I was not ready by any means to return to my job. Without saying too much, I work in a department where I am faced with parents who could be described as "unappreciative" for what they have and have to hear some, quite frankly, awful things with regards to children. Not at all what I want to hear at the best of times, let alone after my recent difficult loss. But due to financial reasons, I had no option other than to return.

I was extremely nervous and anxious and spoke to my manager about my concerns. She has been a huge help and offered support. I knew the 20 minute bus journey to my workplace would be sorrowful, how many hours had I spent on that bus looking at cute baby outfits on my phone and planning the nursery whilst commuting? Sitting at the same desk where I'd spent time discussing my plans for the future with my friends and displayed my scan pictures with pride. Seeing colleagues who were currently pregnant, tummies ever swelling and leaving one by one for maternity leave.

It was agreed that I could do a phased return....3 hours per day for the first week, 4 the next and so on. Standing at the bus stop I felt so heavy. As I predicted, I sat and let a few tears flow as I travelled. The last time I'd done this journey I had a 20 week bump and was excited about my imminent scan. Walking into the office I was not sure what to expect. Would everyone make a fuss? A few hellos and friendly smiles, a couple of welcome backs and I was settled into my new desk (we'd agreed it may help for a change of view in the office...) and logged into my computer. It felt strange, as though nothing had ever happened.

I coped remarkably well for the first 2 hours until I saw one of my pregnant colleagues. I was caught of guard and instinctively asked how she was doing (pregnancy wise) although she didn't delve into great detail, there was no mistaking the rounded belly. She left and I broke. Of course I wish her well, we spent many a conversation previously about how our pregnancies were progressing, comparing bumps and discussing when we would be leaving (which would have been around the same time in December) but seeing how well she was doing and looking down to my almost flat stomach now my heart stung. Why me? It is so incredibly difficult seeing pregnant ladies and I don't want them to think they are upsetting me, it's not their fault, but right now I can't bear it. I left early.

I'm into my second week back now, at the moment it still doesn't quite feel like I should be there. I well up on occasion but fight back the tears, my mind is elsewhere meaning I can't concentrate, I'm watching the clock for the time I can escape. I'm uncertain if and when it will get easier to be there, but for now I'm just trying to ride out the storm.