Preparing to say goodbye

The 2 weeks between giving birth to Harry and the funeral felt like an eternity. We had to wait for the tests and post mortem to be completed before he was returned to our local hospital, how much I wish I could have been there with him through all these tests. If they'd allowed me I would have sat in that hospital day in and day out and held his teeny hand so he wasn't alone. In this time me and my partner visited Harry in the chapel of rest initially, along with his parents as they were abroad when I gave birth and wished to meet him. I was a little anxious the first time we went as 3 days had passed and I was unsure as to how he would look. I entered the room first so I could prepare myself and in case I broke down... but there he was, my sleeping angel all wrapped up snuggly in a tiny moses basket, how could I ever have been worried? I'm not going to lie, yes he had started to look different, but he was still so beautiful. I instantly scooped him up in my hands and sat cradling him and giving him mammy cuddles and kisses. I suddenly didn't feel so sad. Again this wave of love was overpowering. We all sat and had cuddles with our special little man, a few photos were taken and after a while I laid him back down and tucked him in tight.

I haven't mentioned this previously and think it is important to say. Obviously we knew the diagnosis was Osteogenesis Imperfecta and that this had affected his arms, legs and ribs. When we saw Harry these were often covered up, I think to protect us from seeing these "imperfections". I'm so glad I actually did look....it helped to confirm in my mind that we had done the right thing. Those tiny little legs looked so frail and his arms and chest were quite obviously effected too, but like I said it was confirmation for me and despite this, he was still perfect in my mind.

The second time we visited Harry he had been returned to our hospital. This meant we could go ahead with the funeral preparations. Again the midwives were so thoughtful and saw us to a private room where he was waiting for us. It had been 10 days now since he was born and I was prepared that his appearance would have deteriorated significantly by now. It's amazing how much he had changed yet still looked so peaceful and those little cheeks still so soft. I knew this would be the last time I would have Harry in my arms in his physical form and made every second count. I ever so delicately dressed him back into his original cardigan and wooly hat and cradled him there rocking him gently just like any new mother does. The midwives sat with us for some time chatting about Harry and I felt so proud right then that he was apart of our lives....not how we had wanted and how much we wished it was different...but here he was, a product of our love, he may not be here in person but will forever be in our hearts and with us in spirit. Again I gently tucked him in and gave him that last kiss on his cool cheek. Sleep tight now my little boy, it's time to rest your body.

Contacting the funeral directors was actually easier than I expected it to be. Everyone was so kind and preparations were made smoothly. This is when we met KR who would be helping us through these preparations, this man is quite honestly one of the nicest and most special people I have ever met, his compassion was sincere and he helped us so much. We also met with the lady who would conduct the service.....a humanist ceremony as neither of us is particularly religious, who couldn't help welling up as we went through the poems we had chosen. The hardest part of this process for me was picking the music. I have a passion for music and didn't want something that everyone else would automatically choose, this was my dedication to my son, how could I find something so perfect? Something that every lyric was meant from my heart? Why was I having to choose music for my son's funeral??! That last question whirled around my head. It's so unfair.

I knew instantly that one of the songs I would choose was "Dream a little dream", the Beautiful South version. This was the song I had imagined myself singing to my son at bed time so many times before, it was only natural for me to want this as we finally lay him to rest and sleep eternally. Every word in that song hits home for me, although the lyrics had a totally different meaning to me now. Please listen....listen to those lyrics and imagine being in my position, these words are to my son.

The second song proved more difficult. I wanted something to reflect what Harry would be saying to us, his parents, family and loved ones. Something stating he is always with us. Hours of searching on the internet listening to countless songs, racking my brain to no avail, nothing seemed to fit...it suddenly dawned on me, an obvious choice now I look back. Here it is, Harry's words to us.