Harry James Brittan, Born sleeping 25th September 2013

I was surprisingly calm on the morning, all I kept thinking was "I'm going to give birth today". It was a miserable day outside. I'd been to Asda the previous day with my good friend to purchase some hospital essentials, a new nightie and PJ's, maternity pads, breast pads etc. so my bag was all packed and ready to go. I packed a "tiny baby" sized romper suit and hat, even though I knew they would never fit...I felt it was my duty as a mother to at least try to provide my baby with his first and only outfit. I also took along a fleece blanket my OH's mum had bought and a little snuggle blanket and teddy I had bought when I first found out I was expecting.

Arriving at the hospital we were ushered into a private room away from other ladies also giving birth that day. Our midwife was lovely, a young girl. A dr came to see me to explain exactly what would be happening throughout the day...I got changed into my nightie and lay on the bed. I was still relatively calm, deeply upset, but calm. My mam and OH were there with me.

I remember how uncomfortable it was getting those first 4 pessaries. I felt like I had made my peace with what was going to happen and knew it had to happen. All I could do was lie there and wait. We had the TV on, we chatted, I slept. The cramping started not too long after that initial dose, but it was no more than period cramp and manageable with paracetemol and ibuprofen.. The second dose of 1 pessary 3 hours later was more uncomfortable and within 10 minutes the cramping turned into contractions. Quick contractions that were getting more painful. Not having been in labour before I was unsure if it was going to get worse or what to expect....all I knew was that I wanted to make this process as painless physically as possible.

I held off as long as I could, but soon needed that shot of diamorphine. I warned the midwife that I did not handle strong painkillers well, so was given an anti-sickness injection too (which hurt for days afterwards!) Within 5 minutes I passed out, an effect of the drug and half an hour later woke up and commenced projectile vomiting. The force of which made my waters break. Still woozy from the drugs, I remember getting a shock and saying "It's happening, he's coming", still vomiting and waters still breaking. It seemed a very long time for my waters to stop..... but the midwife got me to the bathroom so she could clean up the bed.

Once back to bed I was given a final pessary. The next 45 minutes are a blur yet so clear in my memory. The drugs helped in the sense I felt emotionless, all I cared about was making sure Harry was delivered safely.... The contractions were strong, but painless. I could feel him coming.

At 4:45pm on Wednesday 25th September Harry James was brought into this world already sleeping. I was 20 weeks and 6 days pregnant. 

The midwife took him carefully to be cleaned up and handed me him wrapped in a white towel and white woollen hat. We were told it had looked like he had passed away naturally 2 days previously after the initial tablet.

I had been so afraid to see him...what would he look like at such a young age? but my god, I was not expecting the rush of love I felt at the moment I looked at his perfect little face. He was so adorable, little curved nose just like me, tiny little mouth and his skin was so soft. So tiny (only 70 grams), he fit perfectly in my hands. This was my son. And I adore him.

The rest of the day was filled with staring at this beautiful boy, silently crying at times, tucking him into a moses basket at night to sleep next to his mammy and cuddling and kissing him. I remember how soft and cold his cheeks were to kiss.

I kept drifting off to sleep, but tried to force myself to stay awake as I knew the time I had with Harry was limited.

I had so many mixed emotions. I was angry and sad.This was not fair. How could life be so cruel? I did not deserve this. I was happy I actually had this time to spend with him, I still got to meet my baby. But most of all I just felt love.