Empty arms.

Waking up the next morning in the hospital with Harry by my side I felt numb. Although we were told we could stay as long as we wanted, I knew there would be a point where we had to leave. How could I do this? Walk out of the hospital without my baby? He had been with me for 21 weeks, 24/7, and now I had to let someone else take care of him.

We stayed a while. I cried. I held onto my baby and never wanted to let go.

I'm not sure how long I stayed there, I'm not sure what time I left the hospital in all honesty. I was given a memory box filled with a piece of card with tiny (although big for his size!) footprints on, a teddy the same size as Harry, a glass angel, a poem....I was so appreciative that I was given this but at the same time felt so sad that I was leaving this hospital with a box instead of my baby.

Those last few minutes with Harry broke my heart. With the help of my mam and OH I handed my bundle of joy over to the midwife and walked out. That's exactly how it felt. Like I was walking out on my baby. The guilt was unbearable.

Back at my dads I sat not knowing what to do. I knew Harry was being sent for genetics tests that day and felt I needed to phone the hospital he was visiting to make sure he arrived ok (and was "settled in") It's so difficult to not have these motherly instincts, he's still my child.

"I miss him terribly already.... Xx"  

I had so much support all around me. Everyone rallied around. My family were there when I needed them and gave me space when that's what I felt like having. My close friends sat a listened and offered words of support and hope for the future. People I knew from work, dancing, school, friends of friends sent messages of sympathy.

I found comfort in the kind words of the pregnant ladies I had begun to know on B&B, but I needed to speak with someone, anyone, who had been through this experience too.

"I've found a site with women who have been through the same awful experience. 1 week on and the tears are starting to dry a little, but my whole body aches for the want of Harry back safe in my tummy and healthy. I want to scream. The next few months when I should be pregnant and joining you lovely ladies are going to be so difficult....but I will still be keeping an eye out and I'm sure Harry sends you all floaty kisses for thinking of him xx "

I began messaging a lovely girl who had been through the same journey not long before me and this helped a lot in those early days. I also sought comfort in a forum (Termination For Medical Reasons) on Baby Centre. To all these ladies I will be forever grateful for their advice and support.

I cannot remember what happened the rest of this week apart from phone calls to hospitals to see the progress of testing and a visit from a midwife. The rest of it is just a void.

I am a mother with no baby in her arms. I am grieving, my whole body aches with sadness. My heart is full of love for Harry. This is where he'll always stay now. In my heart.