This day we were invited to a memorial service held annually by our funeral directors, for families to come together in honour of their loved ones who have passed.
I decided to go on my own, although I asked my dear husband and mam if they would like to attend, I knew that this was something I wanted to do alone. It would be a big step for me, but I wanted this time alone to reflect.
Arriving at the beautiful church I was greeted by K.R, the kind man who arranged Harry's funeral, with a big hug and smile. He asked how I was doing....a question I can now only answer with "I'm ok"....he knew I was not. I was ushered to a seat near the front of the church, as I walked in I could feel the tears creeping up, that familiar sensation shaking through my whole body where my arms start to tingle and I don't feel a part of my own body anymore. I sat down and tried to fight the tears back, I didn't want to upset others around me.
The service began with a welcome from the reverend and a request to stand for the first hymn. "Make me a channel of your peace". As I've explained previously, I am not particularly religious, but I did attend church with my mam as a child and this song reminds me so much of being a young girl and standing with my mother, attempting to sing lyrics I didn't quite know or understand. At that moment I could no longer hold back the tears, I sobbed quietly.
Words of sympathy, love and hope were spoken by another gent. His closing line... "As John Lennon said, All You Need Is Love" a phrase from one of my favourite songs that was also played at our wedding. I actually have an ornamental block with this phrase written on at home. I held on to my locket with Harry's photo in and suddenly knew he was here with me. I can't explain it....I often get these moments, a rush of love and comfort. I embraced this moment.
The service continued, a young girl sang "Make You Feel My Love" by Adele, a priest offered his condolences and a reading from the bible. The reading of the names....There was such a long list, it was so sad to hear of all these people who had passed, people who were loved and missed terribly, I could see members of the congregation crying for their personal losses. We were, row by row, asked to approach the front to light a candle in memory of our loved ones, as I approached I could see K.R. lighting the tealights silently. I walked towards him and he smiled, "this is a special candle just for Harry". It makes me so proud that Harry touched so many lives.
Returning to my seat, I waited in anticipation for Harry's name to be announced...."Baby Harry James Brittan". There were 3 other angel babies remembered.....I wish I had known who the mother's were in the crowd of people, I just wanted to hug them and tell them I felt there pain, I know what you are going through, you are not alone.
Following this, a group of young children from a local school gathered to sing for us. I couldn't help but smile as there innocent voices filled the church, I thought this part would upset me deeply, seeing what could have been for Harry but it was so humbling to watch as they smiled nervously, all the while singing their little hearts out. They sang three songs in total, but one really rang true for me. A song I've never heard of before, but later informed it is actually a song from The Muppets sang by Kermit the Frog! The lyrics filled me with hope...."Someday you'll find it, the rainbow connection". Harry is telling me not to give up hope, we will go on to have our rainbow baby and he will give us his blessing. The song still rings around my head....
Closing the service, we had a moment of reflection and the owners of P.J.F spoke lovely words to help us through our grief. We slowly began to leave the church....I saw K.R as I left and we hugged again, he wished me all the best for our future and hoped to hear from us with happier news in the near future.
As I left I felt a wave of relief. I was proud of myself for holding it together, I was happy I had honoured my baby by being there.
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