The funeral

Friday 11th October 2013

The day no parent should have to endure. Laying their child to rest.

The previous day the funeral directors finally brought Harry home for the first time. In his perfect white casket, a plaque with his name bold. This is not how it should have been. We spent that day with Harry, people visiting to pay their respects. I couldn't quite believe what was happening, yet I had this reminder in front of me, in our living room, That night me and Harry's daddy "camped out" in this room with our son. A family altogether finally in our home.

I honestly do not know how I managed to get up and ready that morning. My body felt drained. Getting ready meant I had to go to the funeral which meant the end of Harry's physical self. I went through the motions....shower, dry hair, do make up (was there any point?) dark clothes on. Before I knew it people were arriving ready for the funeral directors to collect us. I sat next to his casket, willing time to stand still, silent tears falling. When the car arrived this is when I broke, I didn't think I could do it. Panic set in, every inch of me tingled in fear.

I was helped to the car, my partner beside me and we were handed Harry. That slow drive to the crematorium felt like torture. People taking their children to school, looking curiously at the cars, some bowing their heads in respect, I couldn't look at them for long. Arriving at the crematorium, a select few close family and friends waited along with one of our midwives. We were shown into the room to the words of Harry's song to us, my partner carrying the casket and placing it on the pedestal with his big teddy shaped flowers, we sat and waited for everyone to take their seats. I couldn't look up. I couldn't look at that casket anymore. I thought in this moment my heart was broken forever.

The lady composed herself and started with her kind words. Can I remember what was said? No. All I know is her words were of comfort. She read a poem we had chosen for Harry.

"Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I’ve loved you from the start.

Although my body you can’t hold
It doesn’t mean I’m gone
This world was worthy, not of me
Angels chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.

 I’m watching over all you do,
Another child you’ll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you’ll understand.

Although I’ve never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn’t mean I never was,
An Angel never dies."

A moment of reflection. I couldn't think straight. This is just a dream. Quiet sobs behind me.

A poem from mammy and daddy.

"They say there is a reason, They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason, Will change the way I feel,
For no-one knows the heartache, That lies behind our smiles,
No-one knows how many times, We have broken down and cried,
We want to tell you something, So there won't be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of, But so hard to be without"

Dream a little dream played. People begin to leave and a curtain is pulled across, my baby boy behind.

People kept coming to us saying sorry and giving us hugs. My heart felt heavy as we left and travelled on to another meeting place for refreshments and chat.

I sat with my friends talking about Harry and the fact our wedding was the next day (I've not mentioned this yet, another post will follow) and awaited the arrival of the balloons we had ordered to release. I suddenly felt like some weight had been lifted from my shoulders, yet my heart felt like it had sunk.

Standing out the back of the pub, we released 19 blue balloons and 1 white.... 20 balloons, 1 for each full week Harry had lived inside of me. It was amazing watching those balloons float away, 1 getting stuck in a tree before wriggling it's way back out to carry on it's journey (Harry playing tricks I'm sure!) Off they went into the distance, getting smaller and smaller until the dots disappeared. Just like those balloons, I felt like a part of me was floating away...away to be with Harry wherever he may be.