In the beginning....

It is taking me a lot of courage to start this blog. It is a way for me to capture the short time I had with my only child....my baby boy Harry James. This has been an emotional journey, both happy and sad, and it has changed me, I'm still me....but a new version. This blog, I hope, will be part of my healing process (Will I ever be healed?!), for me to write down my thoughts, hopes, fears and generally what has happened in my life these past 7 weeks so I can re-read them at a later date. Yes, it has been a sad time, unbelievably sad, but (and I know in my heart this won't happen...) I get so afraid sometimes that I will forget all the details and I never want that. I want to remember every little detail of my pregnancy, the 20 week scan, the diagnosis, the appointments, the emotions, the decisions, giving birth to my angel, the short time we got to spend with him, the tests, the chapel of rest, saying goodbye.... If you wish to read, please feel free, I have no problems with sharing my story but also please remember that this is for my personal reflection, if at times words seem mixed up or repetitive this is probably how my brain is feeling at the time. If it helps someone going through a similar time, then I'm happy, one thing I have found during all of this is the strength I've found in some amazingly brave women who are also angel mammy's. So here we go....

Firstly, let me just say who I am...My name is Amanda, I am 27 years old and live with my husband (newlywed!) in my own home in South Shields. I work full time for the local authority as well as running my own dance school, which is my passion and hopefully one day soon will turn this into my career. I love children and have wanted to be a mam for years....as long as I can remember....but wanted to wait until I knew I could provide for them and was in a stable relationship. So here I am, homeowner, stable job and budding business, loving partner and supportive family and friends. Natural time to want to start trying for my first baby!

In February this year I decided to stop taking my pill. An exciting and apprehensive time, I knew I was ready but still nervous at the prospect of firstly being pregnant and secondly being a mam! As much as I knew I would be the best mam I could possibly be, it's still a little un-nerving knowing you will be wholly responsible for this little life you are creating. I quickly got into the TTC craziness....OPK's, temping, cutting out alcohol, eating better, taking pregnancy vitamins etc etc. I joined the Baby and Bump forum and spoke to other ladies who were on the TTC train and the next couple of months were a blur of POAS, DTD (Sorry...) and disappointment when the 10th pregnancy test in 2 days still showed negative and no amount of squinting or holding up to the light would change that. Never cross a woman who is determined to get pregnant....we are literally insane.

In May, after what seemed like forever (I know 3 months is actually a tiny amount of time to be trying) I did my, almost daily now, PG test on the 28th.... I stared as the dye made its way up the stick and left what seemed to be an extremely faint line behind. Not really believing it (maybe an evap line?) I showed my OH who outright said he couldn't see a thing, but still the more I looked, the more convinced I was that something was there. The next day I tried again and this time there was absolutely NO mistaking that beautiful pink test line! I was pregnant. I always thought I would jump around screaming and crying with  joy when I got that positive test, but I didn't. I very calmly told my partner he was going to be a dad, and he was equally as calm and composed. I immediately called the dr's to book in with the midwife (I worked out I was around 4-5 weeks) and began imagining my growing tummy and youtubing videos of growing foetuses etc. From that moment, I was a mam.

I was excited to tell family and friends, and they were equally excited hearing the news! Despite this, I was still rather nervous to tell my parents...no idea why as like I explained I was in great circumstances to be having a child and a grown up, I knew what I was doing. I think they were both a little surprised, but extremely happy and excited at the prospect of being grandparents!

The next couple of weeks was spent informing the "need to know" people we were expecting, meeting the midwife at 6 weeks and me looking at anything baby on the internet.....

This was it. The time I've been looking forward to for so long. I was pregnant. I was going to have a baby. I am a mam.